


Nicotine

by nessauepa



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Closeted Character, Internal Conflict, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 07:58:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14052465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessauepa/pseuds/nessauepa
Summary: Right there is just you and him. Him. You look at him, hoping it isn't showing on your face, all this feeling is treating to burst out of you. You let your eyes roam his face in wonder and pray that love isn't showing on the outside. Because boy, this feeling inside you makes you dizzy and stupid, and sometimes, you feel like an open book.





	Nicotine

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm a Brazilian girl, living in Berlin for the last year.  
> I love Norwegian Skam (as all of us), but I just watched German Skam/Druck clips and fell in love. I loved Matteo's character/actor and I had to write this little dabble.  
> Clip with eng subtitles: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gkcqu

They're kissing on a bench, and you know it before it happens, you know how your heart is about to clench even before it does. And voilá, here it is, one sharp pain that you feel from inside. Familiar.

You approach them, breaking their kiss and stealing Jonas’s cigarette.

“Hmmm...nicotine,” you joke.

You joke, you tease, and you have this attitude, the one that tells people “look, I'm comfortable in my own skin and I don't give a shit about anything”. You tell that to the world, but you cry alone on your bed. Because this is what you do, but it's okay, you’re used to that by now.

You pass an arm around Jonas' shoulder and look at him. You are always looking at him, after all. And you see him, you really do. You like to think you know him better than anyone, and when you know he's going to look at you in that way he does even before he even turned to your direction, well, your heart twists in expectation.

And he does, he looks at you that way he always does, with that eyes that you know by heart. And the whole world suddenly fades away. As always. You forget about everything and everyone, you even forget about his girlfriend sitting right there. You don't see her at this moment.

Right there is just you and him. _Him_. You look at him, hoping it isn't showing on your face, all this feeling is treating to burst out of you. You let your eyes roam his face in wonder and pray that love isn't showing on the outside. Because boy, this feeling inside you makes you dizzy and stupid, and sometimes, you feel like an open book.

You hope you’re not, though. You hope he hasn't realized it. You hope he never does. Even if you also hope he does, desperately. You hope one day he will wake up and feel the same way. You hope, you can't avoid it.

And when you know before he has even opened his mouth he is going to say “shut up”, you compliment yourself mentally. You praise yourself for knowing this boy. Sometimes you wish you didn't, though, because that way you could maybe believe he could feel the same way. But you know Jonas too well to know he won't ever feel that way. Never. And your heart? Your heart pains and bleeds. Your heart is doomed, by the way. But it's okay, he's still there.

Jonas may never get to know, but you'd do anything for him. You’d give everything just to see him smiling. And you do, you give yourself every day, just to keep him smiling. You'd never say or do anything that would make him stop smiling. You wouldn't ever do anything that would make him stop looking at you that way he does. Jonas loves you, you know that. Just not the same way.

You tell yourself that at night, alone in bed, you tell yourself that this is enough. You lie to yourself, and you even believe on it. You cry too, but it's just because sometimes the feeling is too much. Sometimes you don't know what to do or how to stop it. You're lost, you're alone.

And you tried, you tried so hard. Sometimes you even believed it was working. It wasn't. So you cry alone on the bed, and then the next day you can do all over again, you can show up at school and smile. You can joke and be that you that you can show to the world. That you that you can show to Jonas.

Sometimes you think about telling him, and sometimes you almost do. But you can't. If you lose Jonas, you lose the only piece of you that you still like. If you lose him, you won't have anything. And this feeling overcomes all the others. And then you don't say anything.

Instead, you joke, and you touch him, you hug him, and you die a little inside, every passing day. You're fading away, you don't even know how much of you is there yet to give away. You know it won't last. You know your days are counted. That there is no way you can live like this forever. You know something is going to happen. Someday. And you’re scared.

But you don't think about it. You can't, you feel like you're going to explode if you do. So you only smile and look at him, and you know that you shouldn’t, that you don't want it and that you can't, but you're simply in love with your best friend.

He’s under your skin, like nicotine.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, if there is anyone out there, I'd love to know.  
> Did anyone else love Matteo as well? Freaking out waiting for the third season already LOL?  
> <3


End file.
